How many times a week do you just wish you had a ‘do-over?’ How often do you come up with the perfect response minutes after a conversation? Today’s topic is hot to handle yourself when you’re in those situations. Sometimes, in a conversation, we get so emotionally invested that things just aren’t clear anymore. Suddenly you find yourself thinking about ripping the walls down and you have no idea how you got there. It can be difficult to pull yourself back to sanity sometimes, but those who are best able to compose themselves and express themselves in the right way are often the most effective and influential.

You are most likely to lose your composure during the most important conversations.

Conversations where stakes are high, opinions very, and emotions run strong are considered crucial according to the book Crucial Conversations. Think of how conversations take place where these criteria are met. Do you talk with your spouse about a spending budget? Have you talked with your boss about your salary or your performance? What about when a colleague disagrees with you about a strategic business decision? Some other examples include ending a relationship, asking a friend to repay a loan, talking with team members These everyday conversations are when we are most likely to be overcome with emotion and not quite thinking straight.

Two way communication suffers when emotions are running high.

People tend to react too quickly when they get fired up and generally don’t make the best decisions. Communication is also more difficult when you’re upset. You’re probably not getting your point across in the best way. You may say some things that are defensive, or worse offensive. Sometimes people can even get insulting, and nobody benefits from that situation. Communication goes two ways though. So in addition to you not sending out the best messages, you’re also not receiving information properly. Communication is interpreted differently when received based on the receiver. When you’re fired up, do you ever put false assumptions on the other party? I tend to get hung up on whatever I’m mad about and frame other’s words to fit into what I believe they’re agenda is. As bad as it sounds, it’s really common.

So we know what conversations are most likely to hit that crucial emotional point, and we know the downside of what can happen. What happens in our body to cause this and how do we overcome it?

Your body triggers a fight or flight response when you feel threatened.

Like so many other situations, the body goes to it’s standard evolutionary reaction. The adrenal glands release Cortisol, Adrenaline, and Norepinephrine. These neurotransmitters and hormones trigger the physical responses collectively known as fight or flight. In this state, blood and oxygen move away from the brain to your muscles, your heart rate goes up, and often people start shaking. Another effect, which almost ironically makes communication harder, is your mouth gets dry. This happens because the increased levels of cortisol start to shut down any non-essential body function. So not only are you saying the things you probably shouldn’t, but it’s harder to do so. To recap, here are 5 physical tells that you’re getting too fired up.

1. Your Heart Rate Rises – This is one of the first responses that you’ll feel when you’re brain perceives a threat.
2. You Start Breathing Faster – This is a natural response to your body increasing the oxygen levels in your blood stream.
3. Shaking or Twitching – This is a side effect to the adrenaline released into your body. Keep an eye out for your hands or feet. They will start shaking first.
4. Dry Mouth – Saliva in the mouth is a non-essential body function during perceived threats.
5. Body Temperature Rises – As your body works harder to circulate your blood faster, it heats up. Some people even sweat.

There are other things that can happen, these 5 are just the most common. Once you recognize that you’re in this state, and you know it’s not in your best interest, how do you come down?

Resetting your mental focus and trusting in your counterpart will bring you to a more controlled state.

The first thing you need to do is recognize that you’re fired up and in an overly emotional state. Once you’ve done that, it’s pretty simple to come down relatively quickly. Physically, you need to do some deep breathing. So many of the fight or flight responses are caused by your increased heart rate and the increased oxygen in the blood, getting those two things under control will allow you to refocus. Exhaling longer than you inhale will help to counteract the cortisol in your system. Start with a 2 count inhale, 4 count exhale and build from there. Increasing your oxytocin levels will also help counteract cortisol. This can be done by physical touch, holding eye contact, or complimenting others.

Once you’ve calmed the physical responses, you need train your brain to not perceive a threat. Remember that most of the time, those involved in your difficult conversations all want the same thing. Spouses want to be happy – Bosses and Employees want to be productive. Starting with the end goal in mind makes the conversation a lot easier. Sometimes it helps to call our intentions if you think emotions are starting to escalate. Saying things like “we all want what’s best for our clients” or “we want everyone to be happy” are great ways to get everyone on the same page. It also helps to put yourself in the other’s shoes. Often times, when we can understand where someone is coming from, their intentions are a lot less threatening.

To wrap it all up, you will find yourself in emotional situations. It’s important to be able to identify when you’re in those situations and their risks. Those of us who can best navigate crucial and emotional conversations are able to set us apart from the vast majority of the population. Identify the physical signs and counter them through some controlled breathing. Also make sure you understand the intentions of those around you, and know that it’s OK to ask for clarification. Thank you again for reading. Let me know if you have any additional tricks you use to keep yourself calm. You can always reach me through email or on twitter @timanderson_.

Photo: Evil Erin, Andrew Kuznetzov